book #3 untitled

I felt it all Tangled in my flesh Shifting through my bones Invading my veins Sailing across my bloodstream All the way up to my brain It ceased at my eyes Escaped as salty water Slowly evaporating On my cheek I felt it all Then I let it out

I can see the rays Amplifying everything  Everything but you

I can smell your tears The sun's out but it's raining  Above only you

I talk about it  Like it was a joke  But what they did to me  Is no laughing matter  No matter if I laugh  To make myself lighter He put his hands on me  Cried like a fucking baby  And I took him back What was I thinking?  What was he drinking? One was on drugs I hadn't a single clue Does he even remember us? I'm such a fucking fool The last was the worst  It always is He kept me a secret  Lived two separate lives With complete dominion  Over mine  A serial cheater  Possessive With a thirst for control  Convincing me  I was insane  That I'm to blame Although I guess I kind of am  Not letting myself heal  From these catastrophic men  Throwing myself  Into trauma after trauma I talk about it  Like it's a joke  When I should be talking about it  To a goddamn therapist

I need everything  Or nothing at all  To know how to proceed  With you  All that you give me  Lies right in the middle  And I'm so lost  In what to do

I want to be vulnerable with you  Why is that so hard to do?  I wonder if you like it too  Or maybe I'm too much for you

Will you still hold me  While my body is decomposing?  Will you still swoon  Like you do with the Strawberry Moon? Do you know how much time  That you spend on my mind? I can only see  What's right in front of me  I drove past memory lane  But I couldn't take it, or the pain  I watched the sunset disappear  Alone, through my rear view mirror  Smoke rolls out the window As I crash my car in slow mo

A bison steps onto the street  Into moving traffic  Not a care in the world  No light in his eyes  Have we changed him? Is he dead inside?

Play freeze dance alone  Reflection during each pause  Breathe in the moment

I miss you  But I'm not anxious  I'd love to hear from you  But I understand  I dream about touching you  But hearing your voice is enough  I wonder when I'll see you next  But just know I'd wait forever I miss you  But that's okay I'm not sad every day  I wish I could hug you You're so far from me But no distance is too far away  I'm so busy  But for you I'd make time  You're even busier  But your effort does shine  I miss you  But I feel lucky that I get to If it's this way or no way  I'd choose this every day I miss you  I miss you  But hey, that's okay

Sky mirrored lake  Crystal clear water  Colorful skipping rocks  Green, brown and white peaks  Bird song infects the air  70s and light blue skies  Fearful hikes  Wildlife tracks  Wildlife scat Hammocks and campfires  Bear spray and camelbacks  Chilly nights and warmer days  Near the end of May Miles and miles and miles  Mountains, lakes and waterfalls  Solo rodeo  Stoned from the mountain air The Northwest is beautiful I love it here

I seek desolate  Spots on this pretty planet  No steps to follow

Wherever I am I shall simply be  No need to boast  Or tell anyone about me  At the base of a waterfall  The tip of a snowy peak  Halfway across the country  On my own for a week  I don't need to share  Every bit of my joy  It is only for me  Not my friends or a boy  I'm on my trip to wander  Explore the Earth and my mind  Living life on my own  Leaving the world behind

Anxious attachment  Upside down nervous system  Relearning to love  Fail to understand  Understanding the failure  Can we try again?